Mummies, oh boy has life changed! I won't lie, I've had a major identity crisis the past 8 months. Since my son was born, I've been struggling to form a clear vision of my identity and purpose in life. I knew who I was before I got pregnant, I was at a point in my life where everything finally made sense. My life was my type of picture perfect, all the pieces to my puzzle were set in place. I had this content feeling inside, I was at peace with who I was and where I was going in life. A stable job, hopeful career, loving husband, happily married, my own house... I had it all.
My parents always taught me and my siblings that our purpose in life was more important than getting married and having kids. There's always time for marriage and kids, but very little time to spend really knowing yourself and understanding your purpose. These came first, family life came later. In order to create a successful family and future, we needed to have a purpose in life thats beyond material possessions. The most important lesson they ever taught us. While I eventually wanted my own family and home, I spent so much time understand myself, and working on my strengths and weaknesses, making me who I am today.
I never dreamt of a white dress, or a pregnant belly. I was never that type of girl. My dreams consisted of being successful in life, giving to others and making a positive impact in the world. I basically wanted to be happy and see others around me happy, in whatever form that came in. Understanding who I am always came first. Being happy to me meant knowing myself enough to be open enough to know and understand others. So, as soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was on a binge reading cycle for the entire 9 months. I read everything the internet offered to prepare myself for this new unknown chapter of my life. Little did I know, no book, article or video on earth can ever prepare you for this...
The day my baby came into my life, was truly and will forever be the happiest day of my life. This overwhelming feeling, the burst of unconditional love that hit my heart that day was magical. I experienced a type of love I never knew existed. A type that made me question every feeling I ever had towards everyone in my life. Once this feeling settled, a very unsettling feeling came hand in hand with the love burst. An unsettling feeling of "who am I now?". A question I had answered just seconds before giving birth to my baby. Now, I needed to answer this question all over again, as if the me i knew is not there anymore. Based on my self searching nature, this was the worst news I could ever be hit with, not knowing myself.
My life is not about me anymore, and will probably never be again. Suddenly, I exist in the light of another human being. What my son wanted and needed, I had to be. My hopes, desires and dreams all took the backseat and my son is now in the drivers seat. My body turned into his source of food, my time turned into his needs and my mind turned into his survivor. My eyes only saw his smile and my ears only heard his cries. My stable job was suddenly under threat and my diploma suddenly pushed so far. My conversations were dominated by baby talk and mothers never looked bigger in my eyes. Going to the bathroom was scheduled, sleep and showers suddenly became a luxury.
The before and after of motherhood is something only mothers would ever understand. Its such a huge shift in a woman's sense of self, its unreal how strong women must be to be able to transform into a totally different human being overnight. With all the emotional, physical and mental changes, that no one can possible help you with but yourself, we are true super women.
Until this day, I'm learning to adapt more to this new person I've been introduced to, the person I call 'me'. Its definitely not easy and I've picked myself up several times from feeling defeated and depressed. Its very difficult to leave everything you knew about your wants and needs behind, for this new human who is dependent on you. Its such a huge blessing, and with huge blessings come huge challenges. Motherhood is defiantly a challenge and a daily learning process. May God bless us all and help us on this beautiful road to the purest form of nurture.