Forgiveness. A commonly used term with very little understanding of it. To forgive is generally associated with one party giving up a rightful grudge against the other. Someone has hurt you therefore, you have the right to be upset with them and hold a grudge. Most often than not you feel you automatically gain the right to communicate it further to others, a term we call venting. Venting is often our way of spreading the negative connotations we have personally viewed and understood from a certain situation from which we have experienced. Generally, let’s be real here ladies, you vent with an expectation that the person vented to backs up our point of view. Even better when they back us up by a “how dare she/he…” Oh the glory. This automatically increases our sense of righteousness to keep our stance and forgiveness is out of sight and mind. A deadly cycle! One of the worst things we as woman often do to each-other without giving it much thought. the only person we are actually hurting when holding a grudge is ourselves. As when you forgive, the person you have forgiven gains nothing as a result of your forgiveness. The only person who gains is you.
The truth, something you might claim to want and even need but most often never want to hear. We want that pat on the back that reaffirms our stance as in our minds we think our girlfriends are doing us a favor. Something we need to rethink as women, to encourage real empowerment to one another. Let’s think of it this way, what favor they are really doing… they just reaffirmed your anger, grudges and frustrations. We just give each other a fake sense of right to self destruction and we welcome it with open arms. You have just verified to yourself and others that the claim done or said against you by that person of whom you hold a grudge against is actually valid and true. It’s a bomb in disguise. A bomb that will only destruct you, and us as women.
Why you might ask, well the only person we are actually hurting when holding a grudge is ourselves. As when you forgive, the person you have forgiven gains nothing as a result of your forgiveness. The only person who gains is you. Forgiveness is the best gift you can grant yourself its the act of truly loving yourself. By forgiving, you give yourself the right to peace of mind, heart, spirit and matter. You no longer walk around with weight on your shoulders and a heavy heart when you sleep at night. Something no amount of venting or grudges will ever do. In the Qur'an forgiveness is a superior moral trait: “if someone is steadfast and forgives, that is the most resolute course to follow.” (Qur'an, 42:43) For that reason, believers are people who, as revealed in the Qur'an, “control their rage and pardon other people.” (Qur'an, 3:134).
We are advised to forgive in order to live as peaceful spiritual beings. This leaves space for the useful and healthy matters of the heart and happiness. Therefore, like in everything, you have a responsibility towards yourself to regain your peace, let me tell you how.
Ask yourself this, have you ever held a grudge against a baby, infant or child? Vented to someone about a child saying something negative to you that you still hold against them and are still hurt? Why not? Most probable than not, it’s because it’s an unjustifiable and invalid stance. How can you possibly repent a child? Well that goes for adults too. Imagine everyone you know is a child, with an ego. An ego that drives the person’s self-esteem and sense of importance. Therefore, the person you hold a grudge against, whatever they may have done that got to you, was in reality never about you it’s about them. It’s not personal. It’s never personal. Therefore, you taking a personal stance on it isn’t their fault. When someone has directed negative energy towards you, it’s their way of satisfying their ego, not to sabotage yours. Therefore, If your ego is sabotaged, it’s your responsibility and choice, not theirs.
Next time someone faults you, see the child in them. It’s difficult to hold a grudge against a child. The child is in each and every one if us. There’s a child in you too. Recognize your child when you fault others, and recognize their child when others fault you and forgive, for you.
Always remember to Forgive but not necessarily to forget! No this isn’t a typo. You just read that correctly, contrary to popular belief, forgiving is not forgetting and forgetting isn’t forgiving either. Just because you have forgotten a situation, doesn’t mean you have forgiven the person attached to it. If you haven’t addressed the situation and let it go fully with full memory and acknowledgement of the situation, it still lies in your subconscious. True forgiveness is when you have full recognition and memory of the situation and still have chosen to forgive. Otherwise, you have chosen to forget or ignore it, which doesn’t imply forgiveness but passiveness to the situation. Passiveness often disguises itself as being a positive tool in resolving conflicts while in reality it keeps them locked up and ready to explode at the touch of a nerve. Take a proactive role in your life and lead your true spiritual being.
May motherhood be the vessel to drive our families forward.