Blame. The feeling or declaration that someone or something is responsible for what you feel or what has gone wrong in your life. Isn't that meaning just full of contradictions? As an independent and healthy woman, blame is one of the worst feelings you can come across. Blame means that the person who the blame is directed towards now owns a part of your deep personal sense of self & being. The responsibility of what you are feeling is fully directed towards an action or word from that person of whom you have blamed. You have laid your destiny right in the palm of their hands.
By blaming, you have put other people in control of your thoughts and feelings, that later result into your own actions. This means you aren’t the owner of your own thoughts & feelings and that’s a very scary thought!
Blame contradicts with everything we live by and believe in and yet, we’re so quick to blame. If blame was of righteousness, it means our wrong doing is always someone else’s fault. How can that possibly make sense? How can anyone hold you accountable for your words and actions if you weren’t the only rightful owner to them. If you believe in heaven and hell in our afterlife, they wouldn't exist if even a fraction of your being was of someone else’s responsibility.
Mommies, think of this, how can you punish your kids for their actions if others, or even yourself, are to blame for them? For a healthy future generation, we need to teach our children this...
Thoughts result in feelings that result in actions, if we are held accountable for our actions we are held accountable for our thoughts and feelings.
Think of how many times a simple sorry or kind gesture just wouldn’t do it for you, wouldn’t release that anger, that pain. Even after that person has owned up to their wrong doing, we don’t really gain anything back from that, they're the ones who actually do.
The only beneficiary is the person who has owned up to their wrong doing as they have taken responsibility & control of their own thoughts, feelings & actions. They have now gained their inner peace. They are a step further than you are as they have owned up to their fault and claimed it as theirs. Until you own up to what you feel, you can actually drive yourself to feel upset, hurt and mistreated as long as you’re breathing...
In a little box where all the negative things you have felt towards others lie one on top of the other, it is one day bound to explode. As the more crowded it gets in there, the harder it will be to contain. Our goal here is to keep this box empty, or as empty as possible. As only then can you allow space for inner peace.
Not everyone will apologize when they have wronged someone, actually most people never do. However, that isn't important because whatever you feel is about you, not them. Here's the good news, that person never took anything away from you to give it back in the first place; nor are they responsible for what you are currently feeling. They owe you nothing. You owe yourself to claim responsibility of your own feelings.
Ask yourself why you felt that negative feeling... why was it transferred to you? If someone tells you you're stupid and you believe them, thats a choice you have made. No one forced this feeling upon you, it was thrown out into the universe and you have willingly accepted it in & only you can let it out. It's all within you, you are in control.
I found a beautiful verse in the Quran, Surat Ibrahim: verse: 22, talking about judgement day. Satan will tell us: “Verily, Allah promised you a promise of truth. And I too promised you, but I betrayed you. I had no authority over you except that I called you, so you responded to me. So blame me not, but blame yourselves. I cannot help you, nor can you help me.” I couldn't have found a better example. If we are held accountable on judgment day for what Satan has called upon us to do, how can we possibly blame each other for our mishaps? Only we can help ourselves, external sources aren’t of accountability or responsibility to be our Band-Aid. You are in control of you, contrary to popular belief where we tend to blame someone’s circumstances for their actions.
Now i know what you're thinking, what if someone has wronged me, has hurt me or my family, aren’t they at fault? Yes, they are. It all boils down to this very important phrase “Everyone is at fault, but no one is to blame”. You can’t even blame yourself for what you have said or done to others, because, what they feel as a result is their own responsibility, not yours. However, you are at fault and in need to revise your actions. This also means that you are a hundred percent responsible for what you inflict on others. When you're responsible, you have your dues. You have a responsibility towards yourself and others to do your part. Your part is to simply, be happy. Yes, happy. You gain happiness once you own up to your actions, words, thoughts and feelings & correct yourself. This is where true happiness begins and ends.
You have a responsibility towards yourself now to put these negative feelings to rest; as they do not just disappear. They are simply released by you. First step is to acknowledge your fault of transferred negativity towards others. This doesn’t apply only to our actions but also to our words.
When we mothers adopt this into our families lives, this is where we will be making a true difference in the world. We play what i view as the most important role in society, and this is bringing up our future generations. We are the light to a new & improved world. Let's take these first steps together.
Always remember, to be kind to yourself first, so you can be kind to others.
May motherhood be the vessel to drive our family's forward.